Letters
by Sanathia
Summary: A series of songfic letters between Nathan Explosion and Pickles. Dethklok slash Nathan/Pickles.
1. Dear Nate

_**Disclaimer: I still don't own Pickles, Nathan, Toki, Skwisgaar, Murderface, Ofdensen, or even Magnus. I also don't own the Snakes'n'Barrels guys. All of them are from Metalocalypse, which belongs to Brendon Small. I don't claim to own them in any of my stories, so please don't sue. This letter DEFINITELY doesn't occur in the show, so please don't think it does.**_

_**Warning: M/M slash. Nathan/Pickles, although in the purest of sorts. Also, drug and alcohol references and profanity. Rated T just because homosexuality is usually considered ideologically sensitive.**_

_**Note: I think it definitely should be noted that the italicized words are lyrics from Avenged Sevenfold's "Warmness on the Soul." This is a kind of a songfic. Actually, the format was inspired by "Fallin'," which was amazingly well-done, even though it made me cry.**_

Dear Nate,

I don't even know how to begin. I guess "thanks" is a good place to start. You know, you really saved my ass ten years ago…I think you remember the day. I was still living in the eighties as if a day hadn't passed since '89. Big hair, big clothes, everything covered in fucking sequins. You remember. It was really hard for me. Snakes'n'Barrels was going down the shitter, and my drug addiction shot through the roof. I lived a dangerous life there…and you were the only one to save me. You were the only one who tried. So, yeah, "thanks" is definitely an appropriate way to start.

_Your hazel, green-tint eyes watching every move I make…_

It was more than that, though. You met me a poor stranger sitting in a dumpster, high as hell. I don't know what you could've possibly seen amidst the garbage worth saving but you did. Dammit, Nathan, I guess that's what I admire so much about you. That was really selfless. You were the one who watched me over the months. That first year was terrible. Withdrawal attacks made me punch you, abuse you in every way a tiny guy like me could. I know it couldn't have been easy. You strapped me to a bed and told me that you were gonna go get me some drugs…you lied for my own good. And I respect you for that, you know? You're my best friend. You probably always will be, Nate, because I'll never forget all the shit you went through for me. I was a perfect stranger, and still you helped me.

_And that feeling of doubt is erased…_

After a while, I guess you could say I got over it. My addictions went down to a slightly more tolerable level, even though I've never been clean. But, dude, you really put me back on the right road. I'm not sure I could survive without you. I think I'd go back to the old me and dig myself an early grave. You're really imperative to my life, Nathan. I don't know how else to put that.

It's not just that. You've always been there for me. When you started Dethklok, you asked me to be your drummer. You know…that meant a lot. My dad, my brother, my band…none of them ever trusted me like you did. So, maybe all of that is what contributed to me falling madly in love with you.

_I'll never feel alone again with you by my side…_

Yeah, I finally said it. I write the words in ink that I dare not say aloud. I've wanted to tell you for years, but I always chickened out in the end. I'm a damn pussy, that's what. Don't judge me too harshly, I swear I'm not some sort of queer faggot. What I feel for you is only the sort of love where I need to be with you at all times. I mean, it's not like I have, like, sexual feelings for you. You're like my brother. But over these last few years, I realized that I can't live without you. You can't ever leave me, Nate, never. Because I really think I'd die if you did.

_You're the one, and in you I confide…_

Dammit. I'm at a loss for words, Nate. You're the lyricist. That's why I don't write all of this shit. I have no idea how to tell you how much I love you. I guess I sort of regret writing what I did above, but it's in ink now, so don't kill me. I really do love you, though. I think it's the most purest feeling in the world, you know? Like, I'd die for you. I'd live for you. I'd be whatever I need to be for you, whether you need a friend, a brother, a mentor, or a lover.

No matter what I say, I know it's not enough. I tell all of this to you with the strictest of confidences, because I swear I'm not queer. At least, I keep telling myself that.

_And we have gone through good and bad times…_

We've been through everything together. Remember the day we first met? I was so worthless. I was at my lowest. But there've been good times too, you know? I remember when Dethklok first got famous, I remember when we first met Skwisgaar. Damn, he's fucking good. He was like a god standing in our presence. And I've seen you at your lowest too. I remember when you broke up with Rebecca. Hell, I remember when you were _with_ her. That whole time in your life was horrible. And when Magnus left, you were pretty low during that time, too.

_But your unconditional love was always on my mind…_

But the whole time, we stuck together. We're blood brothers now, huh? I can hardly even remember my time without you as a dark hole. You've been everything for me. You _are _everything to me. You'll probably always be my everything. Even within the band, I'd say we're the closest. Skwisgaar, Murderface, Toki, Magnus…they were all good, but none of them compare to you. We stick together like slices of cheese, as my parents would say.

_You've been there from the start for me…_

Basically, what I'm trying to say is…thank you. Thanks, dammit. It's always been hard to say it, but I mean it. Nate, you were always there for me, and it made me fall in love with you. And even throughout the course of this letter, I've come to terms with being a faggot. If that's what I have to be called to spend the rest of my life with you, I guess I can live with it. Words don't mean anything compared to you. Persecution doesn't sound so bad when it's just the price for my personal demon.

_And your love's always been true as can be…_

Maybe you don't feel the same for me. And I couldn't even fucking argue with that, dammit. If anyone other than you told me, I guess I'd laugh in their face. I'd find it pretty fucking hilarious. My waking moment begins with you, cliché as it is. You're my first thought in the morning, my last thought at night. And throughout the day, you're always at my side. I want you to stay there, even if you don't love me back like that. At least remember that we'll always be brothers, if nothing more. You'll always be the one I love.

_I give my heart to you…_

Nathan Explosion, you're the object of my life, my love, my everything. And even if giving you this letter means being kicked out of the band, so be it. I couldn't live without you at least knowing how I feel. In just a few minutes, I'm gonna sign this letter and slide it under your door. You're at the bar as I write this, and you'll probably be too drunk to read this when you get home, and too hungover tomorrow to even make out the words. Maybe tonight I'll at least get to see you as you are now, innocent and naïve of the love I have for you.

_I give my heart, 'cause nothing can compare in this world to you…_

And, I guess there's no more to say. Nate, I hope you at least can feel my heartbroken pleas, even if you don't return them. I've never felt so strongly about anything. You really did save my life back there in Los Angeles, I mean it. So, I owe you one. This is me attempting to repay my debt, I guess.

With all the fucking love I got,

Pickles

_**A/N**_

_**Reviews would definitely be appreciated as to the direction this one goes. I have to get warmed back up, I haven't done fanfic in a while. ~ Sanathia**_


	2. Dear Pickles

Dear Pickles,

I laughed at the beginning of your letter – I found it pretty damn hilarious. How could someone be at such a loss for words? Yet, as I myself lay a sheet of paper out and scribble pen against paper, I find I feel the same way. I think I should say that it's _me _who should be saying "thanks" by the way. You act like you were the only one broken back in the eighties. Maybe you were too high to remember, but I myself was having some issues. And who was there to solve them? My family disowned me, I became a raging alcoholic, wrath overtook my soul…these were the beginnings of Dethklok. When I found you laying helplessly in a pile of trash, I saw myself lying in my wasted dreams…so I helped you. What else could I do? It wasn't like my life had meaning. I think I was just as bad off as you – we needed each other, this was never a one-sided arrangement.

_Yeah, you've been alone, I've been gone for far too long…_

As to the bigger part of your letter…I guess I have no idea how to respond to that. We've always been side-by-side, ever since that day in Los Angeles. I'd be a fucking fool to let you go with just your letter as a reason. No, I think it's definitely fair to say you're not kicked out of the band. You're my best friend, dude. I'd die if you left, plus no one can drum as well as you, asshole.

It's a sticky situation. I feel like…you're my brother, and nothing more. Why should you be more? We're two men! It's unnatural…that's whats going through my head. And yet, at the same time, I feel inexplicably drawn to you, everything about you. Your smell, your hair, your eyes. Oh, all the things I'd say if you were a woman!

_But with all that we've been through, after all this time I'm coming home to you…_

I'd take you to a garden, I think. I mean, if you were a woman. I'd tell you everything. But we were both born men, so it's not going to happen, right? I don't know what to say, I guess. I'm shocked.

_Never let it show, the pain I've grown to know…_

I think what I'm feeling is pain. I sing about it all the time, but that's not real pain. No, real agony is staring at the person you know you shouldn't love and not caring. I do love you, bro, but you're my brother. My only brother, actually. And, I can't risk that sort of relationship for this whole gay phase you're going through. I know what this is…I think philosophers and shrinks call this "emotion transfer" or some kind of bullshit like that. You only think you love me because you love _someone _but I'm the closest person in your life, so you think it's me. That sounds right.

_'Cause with all these things we do, it don't matter when I'm coming home to you…_

Yeah, I do remember that first day we met. You looked so…timid. Vulnerable. I'll never forget. I heard your accent for the first time – wow, maybe you don't notice it, but it's really awful, dude. You sound…I hate to say it, but you sound just like your parents. And your brother. Other than your hair, it's the only thing you have in common with them. But when I heard your voice calling out – "Hey, Tonto! Yer blockin' da sunlight!" I think is what you said – I was just so…sympathetic? No, more like guilty, I guess. I really don't know. It was weird.

_I reach towards the sky, I've said my goodbyes – my heart's always with you…_

You know, it's weird. I've been thinking about that day a lot recently, and then I got your letter. You really are my brother, dude. I could let everyone else on the earth burn, my dad included, but as long as you were still around, I think I'd be okay. As gay as it sounds, you're the bane of my existence. I think of you when I wake up, but only because you're the reason I don't take a gun to my head and force a Gear to pull the trigger. Please don't think less of me for not exactly returning the love you have for me.

_I won't question why so many have died, my prayers have made it through, yeah…_

It's not that I can't respect you for telling me, either. I know I wouldn't have the balls to do it. Honestly, I can't even question why. Through the decade, I've been wondering how I'd live without you. And, like I said before, I don't think I could. I think that you might be misinterpreting what you feel for me. And I won't think less of you for feeling that way towards me, either, because everything's complicated. Everything.

But…I want you to really think about this before telling me or anyone else about this. I'm not going to tell anyone, I'm not going to talk to you in public about it. I can't risk you being kicked out of the band. Maybe we just need time to work this all out. I promise that I'll wait for you. I promise that I'll always wait for you, bro.

_'Cause with all these things we do, it don't matter when I'm coming home to you…_

I'd be a lot of things for you, Pickles, but I don't think I could ever be gay. Well, maybe I could. See? It's really complicated. We both need time to think before we do anything rash. I promise that I'll always reply to your letters, and I'll never kick you out of the band. I think that we should spend some time apart, but only for a while. We'll see each other at meals and during recording sessions, but that's all that's required.

Who am I kidding? My hand is cramping, and I'm still not nearly through expressing all of this. I don't think I'll see you tonight. I find myself preparing an envelope, probably just like you did two nights ago. Maybe you'll stay as ignorant as I for a few days. Maybe not. Maybe the world will end before either of us know what to do. Only one thing's for sure on my end; you'll never stop being my only brother. You're the only one I can imagine spending the apocalypse with. And I'd die to protect you.

_The stars in the night, they lend me their light to bring me closer to heaven with you._

In all that I do,

Nathan

_**A/N**_

_**Sorry for taking so long to release this one, but I've been pretty busy recently. Hope you liked this one, two more letters to go! ~ Sanathia**_


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